I suck at dating. I'm so bad at it, in fact, that I rarely get the chance to do it. This is not a new thing. This is, in fact, old news. I have been on some of the worst dates in the history of the activity and I still remain one of the worst boyfriend-getters ever.
I've given this some thought and here's what I've decided. I suck at dating for the following reasons:
1. I can't flirt.
Really though, I can't. Not consciously anyway. The giggly, arm-touchy technique never developed in my adolescent years and trying to get these skills during my post-adolescence is not going well.
I see it happening and I feel like a safari scientist (is that real?) as I observe and try to figure out how it goes down. No deal, peeps. Around cute boys, I remain either silently stoic, friendly in a sisterly way (you don't know how much I get of that), or uber awkward.
I'm really really impatient when it comes to boys. I don't know where this impatience comes from, but I kinda feel like I need to trick boys into going on dates with me so I can trap them forever in a loving relationship.
For example -- I'll see a cute boy. I'll say hi to cute boy. I'll immediately feel anxiety that we don't live in a beautiful lake house together with our 6 children. I mean -- come on.
The boy is probably thinking: Oh, cute-ish girl! Hello, cute-ish girl! Perhaps I want to hang out with cute-ish girl. Oh wait, she's a wiz-natchy psycho beast.
For this reason, I don't often progress to the "date" phase.
3. I say awkward things.
I say lots of awkward things. When I get nervous around a cute boy, I feel the need to cover my bashfulness with clever humor. This never goes well.
[This conversation is embarrassingly real. I don't miss you, 2007.]
Cute boy: Oh, hey! I'm going through the temple for the first time next month!
Asia: Oh, that means you have to wear funny underwear!
[This has already gone very wrong. I've said an inappropriate and kind of offensive thing about him, his underwear, and a religion we both belong to. You don't think I can make it worse. You are wrong.]
Cute boy: heh... yea I guess....
Asia: Well... wear your favorite ones until then!
It just was not a good thing to say to really anyone, much less someone you want to ask you on a date. Needless to say, the date never happened. Cute boy is now married and he and his wife both wear funny underwear... suckers.
4. Sometimes I dress like I'm homeless.
This one is kinda self-explanatory. I'm just lazy sometimes and I love this pair of shorts that my mom has repeatedly tried to hide from me/throw away.
5. I subconsciously flirt with really awkward boys
A large handful of the small list of dates I've been on in my life have been with awkward boys. How does this happen? I used to feel like I was a magnet for the low-self-esteem boys of the world, but have since realize that I bring this on to myself. I flirt with awkward boys.
My flirting just has no on/off switch. How I wish it did. However, because of this, I've been on some very interesting/entertaining dates that I would never have been on otherwise. Maybe I'll share these in a later post.
Until then -- attention boys who are a little bit too touchy-feely, a little bit too young for me, or a little bit too awesome for me (admittedly, most of you are): Yes, I will go out with you.
6. Hilary Duff movies have ruined my idea of love.
Remember in A Cinderella Story how Hilary Duff was all nerdy and emotionally abused by Jennifer Coolidge and had no friends but was still a mega babe? Well, despite all this, she gets Chad Michael Murray to fall in love with her.
Hilary, you've done me a disservice. I'm easily as awkward and dorky as you were in that movie, and I see no sign of a foxy quarterback eyeing me for some action. If, in fact, if there are foxy quarterbacks looking for socially challenged cute-ish girls to court, they have all been kidnapped and we should send out a search party immediately.