Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Bucket List

There once was a lady named Patty Hearst. She was the heiress to a huge fortune (the William Randolf Hearst fortune) and had a bright happy life ahead of her. Then she was kidnapped by some crazy radicals. Then she decided that she liked her kidnappers and became a crazy radical herself. Then she robbed a bank. Then she went to jail. Then she got out of jail and became a model/actress. Then she received a presidential pardon from Bill Clinton (his last presidential act).

You guys are probably like "She had Stockholm syndrome! She is the textbook example of it!"

But I'm all, "Stockholm shmockholm! She was living life to the fullest, homes!"

After reading about Patty Hearst on wikipedia, I decided that my life did not have to be hum-drum. People can say, "You can't rob a bank and be an actress and join some crazy radical group and go to jail and be pardoned by the president!" But they are wrong so I would say, "Whatev!" then show them this article.

Then I would show them my bucket list (see below, suckas!).

1. Rob a bank
2. Go to jail
3. Be pardoned by the president

These first three things I may have stolen from Patty Hearst's bucket list.

4. Use a Stryker pipe for its intended purpose

Ummm... I'm not sure if you're ready for this explanation or not.

5. Act in a movie

6. Be in a musical

7. Write an awesome movie

8. Meet Britney Spears

9. DANCE with Britney Spears

Maybe I could play Britney Spears in a musical about her life and career. That would be ideal.

10. Write an awesome song

11. Get married and have super precious babies

12. Make the world better by improving the self esteem of young girls who think you have to look like/have the talent of Taylor Swift to find happiness in life.

Not that Taylor Swift isn't superfly; she is.

13. Be an A+ grown up

Imagine this: I walk into an office full of people dressed in suits. I'm also in a suit. Then I take some documents out of my briefcase and start talking about amortization and tax brackets and insurance limits.

"Hmm dee hmm! I disagree with your assertion that health care has become too retrogradized! Ever since my family filed for a 34.5% bionic mortgage profile, we've seen great improvement in the state of our NASDAQ stock resumption!"

Ok... some of those words are made up. But you know what I mean. It's certainly an improvement on "Can I pay my rent in raisins?"

14. Teach a high school media class using my wit and entertaining stories from my eventful life



This list has 14 items on it. So did yesterday's list. Hmm.

Anyway, it looks like a pretty full life to me.

OK. Maybe you are mature enough for me to tell you what a Stryker pipe is and why I want to use it...

When my daddy was at Brown University studying physics (I know, right?), he liked to invent things. One day he invented a device, the Stryker pipe, that made the smoking of marijuana really smooth and enjoyable. He then mass produced and marketed the pipe to his peers at Brown. You could get them by mail order and he had a little pamphlet explaining the special features of this pipe. It was pretty rad.

So using a Stryker pipe isn't drug use so much as it's family heritage.


  1. Your bucket list includes sex, drugs, and (depending on the song you write) rock and roll. Just sayin'...

  2. Let me in on that Stryker pipe action...


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