Thursday, January 12, 2012

Skinny Dipping

What I'm about to tell you is a true story. It was, quite possibly, the funniest moment of my life. In fact, I was laughing so hard that I was having trouble removing my pants to jump into the murky waters of Utah Lake. But I'm getting ahead of myself. It all started at a Cinnamon Roll contest.

One rather temperate evening in the land of Provo, Utah, there was a Cinnamon Roll contest at my neighbor's apartment. I, along with a few of my friends, had been asked to be a judge in this contest. Being a fan of cinnamon rolls and random contests, I accepted. The contest was delicious and turned out to be more of a party than a formal competition. Kind of like a cocktail party, but subtract the alcohol and add a bit of butter. I sampled the various plates and made the careful decision that cinnamon roll #2 was the most delicious. #1 was a little dry and #3 tasted like straight-up butter. After casting my vote, I sat on a comfy couch and chatted with some friends that were also in attendance. Enter Bree.

Bree is that friend that everyone needs. The friend that stretches you and challenges you to do things you previously wouldn't have considered. Bree is the renegade. The guts. The glory.

Also at the party was Sarah. Sarah is very driven. Good student, hard worker, has a good serious face. But wait! There's more! She also knows how to party hard and is one of my favorite people to dance party with. Let's put it this way... I met Sarah when I was dating her brother. Once the relationship ended, the boy was long gone, but Sarah and I? We knew we were meant to be. Friends.

The girl who completed the foursome this fateful night was Hannah. Hannah was my roommate and altogether one of my favorite people. She was slightly more daring and slightly more brunette than me, but it was our similar "Sure. Whatev." attitudes that made us part of this crazy expedition.

So there we were. Judging cinnamon rolls. Talking about Ke$ha. When I said, "Hey let's do something crazy tonight." And Bree said, "Let's go skinny dipping." We all looked at each other with calculated glances. Then, with one communal shrug, got up and went back to my apartment to prepare.

It's important to note that, throughout the whole night, my expectations and what was actually happening were at odds. For example, this was my initial thought process:

Asia's Expectations: OK. Skinny dipping... So... I should bring a swim suit and a towel. But just for appearances. We probably won't even really find a spot to swim so what will happen is that we will drive around and have a good laugh.
What was actually happening: We were going skinny dipping.

My "swim suit" thought was abolished pretty quickly when I asked Bree, "Hey, should I bring a swim suit?" and received a, "No, Asia. We're going skinny dipping."

Before too long, we were loaded into my Jeep. Four girls, four towels, Miley Cyrus's "Can't Be Tamed" on full blast and a half-baked plan. After much debate and not very many good ideas, we decided that the only idea we had was to try Utah Lake, the notoriously filthy body of water just west of Provo.

We headed west on Center Street all the way until it ended at the gates of Utah Lake State Park. Wait. Gates? It was gated. And the gate only opened with a code. We pulled over to the side of the road in order to replan. We turned down Miley Cyrus only slightly in order to debate our next move. It just so happened that as we were pulled over, an RV pulled up to the gate. A dude got out, typed in the code, and lo, the gate opened. After one second of deliberation, we followed behind him as closely as possible to make it in before the gate closed. Mission accomplished.

We were in. And, man, was Utah Lake State Park happenin'. There were people everywhere. Night fishing, camping, family outing-ing, bonfire-ing, playing guitar. It was daunting. Especially if you're looking for a nice, secluded area to strip down and jump in the lake. After a bit of exploring and several nixed ideas, we came upon some private docks. These were docks with doors on them. I just tried googling this so you can see a picture, but I guess google has never heard of it... Basically, some people had mounted a door frame with a door in it on their dock. These doors were generally locked. I say generally because...

We wandered over to the private docks. They were kind-of secluded. There were people fishing to the left and partying to the right, but we judged that they were at a safe-enough distance and that it was dark-enough that, likely, we were ok. We tried the door on the first dock. Locked. We tried the door on the second. It opened.

Pause. Let's check on Asia's expectations.

Asia's Expectations: Oh my gosh. We actually found a spot. Ok, so... we'll probably just sit on the dock and talk. Or, if Bree is feeling especially dedicated to the cause, we'll go swimming in our underwear. What a laugh!
What was actually happening: We were going skinny dipping.

We walked out on the dock, closing the door behind us. We made a few remarks about how our secluded spot was only really semi-secluded and we could, potentially, get caught at any moment. It's important to note that my expectations, starting now, changed in rapid succession.

As if someone blew the "ready, go!" whistle, Bree started taking off her clothes. Sarah and Hannah took note of this and began to quickly follow. My mind was blown. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think we would be taking our crazy plan this far. So I did what any super uncomfortable person would do. I began to laugh like crazy. As I cackled like a mad man, I began taking off my shirt, but was so unfocused about it that I really did look a little crazy, struggling to get out of my own clothes. Then I heard Bree say, "Asia! You're being so loud! People are going to hear you and come over here! And take off your pants already!" I snapped back to reality and finished disrobing. Then, we were all standing there in our undies.

We debated briefly (teehee) about whether or not to just swim in our underwear, but once the notorious filth of the water was factored in... As if another whistle had been blown, the underwear came off too.

Asia's Expectations: Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh. We're naked on someone's private dock. Like naked naked. And there are people all around. Oh my gosh. We're skinny dipping.
What's actually happening: Yep. Now you get it.

We found a spot on the dock that didn't have boats attached to it and looked over into the dark water below. SPLASH! Bree jumped in. The water looked plenty deep and she claimed that it was cold, but not freezing. We looked down at her with envy and surprise, then concern. The distance from the dock down into the water was further than anticipated. Bree quickly discovered that she wasn't going to be able to get out of the water without help from two of us standing on the dock.

And thus it was decided that we needed to skinny dip in shifts of two. First up would be Bree and Sarah. Then after we pulled them out, Hannah and I would jump in. This, of course, was poor planning because Bree and Sarah are very petite and Hannah and I each had about 4 inches on them. But thinking wasn't our strong suit as we were standing nude on a dock. Oh and also we were illegally in the park. Remember that?

Sarah jumped in and after about 30 seconds of being in the water, it was decided that their shift was over. It was just enough time for Sarah to agree with Bree about how cold and deep the water was. Hannah and I offered our hands and arms and we, quite un-attractively, helped the girls clamber out of the water.

Then it was our turn. Hannah and I jumped in. It felt nice to have my body concealed in the water. Pretty quickly, it was decided that our turn, too, was up and we needed to head back. One of the highlights of the evening was when Hannah said, "But aren't we supposed to swim around and enjoy ourselves or something?" And Bree responded with a caustic, "There's no time for that! Get out!" We laboriously climbed out of the water and got back on the dock.

We had done it. We had skinny dipped. And it was, quite possibly, the most awkward, ungraceful, artless, almost public skinny dipping in history, but it was unbelievably fun and unbelievably funny. It reminded me nothing of Nightswimming by REM.

As we put our clothes back on, someone decided that it would be funny to leave a pair of underwear on the dock. A calling card. Just to raise a few eyebrows. To leave our mark on this dock for whoever to find. After an inventory of who was most willing to give up their underwear, I took one for the team. And that's how my underwear ended up on some dude's dock.

A few weeks later, Sarah and I would be reminiscing about our eventful evening. "Hey, wanna do something this weekend?" I asked. Sarah smiled. "Yeah. And bring Bree. That girl is crazy."


  1. Hilarious! This is the first time I have ever heard of someone doing this without the uninhibiting factor of alcohol!

  2. I am so glad I did not have to resort to calling you out on Facebook for not blogging, as I have been thinking of doing the last few weeks.
    One time I told a lie in Apples to Apples, or "I've Never" and said I had been Skinny Dipping. I justified this lie by thinking 'I've never had the chance, but I totally would.' After reading your account, I know I would never have the guts.
    I'm so proud of you and Sarah.

  3. Dear Asia, If you promise to move back to Utah, I promise to go Skinny Dipping with you. Love, Susan

  4. I'm still jealous I wasn't invited.


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