The Burn

Haaaaaappy New Year! I hope you had a safe and fun holiday season. I burned my tongue on some pizza 2 days ago (New Years Day!) and it's still recovering. Dang it.

Remember my precious first kiss story? Awwww warm fuzzies! Well, there's another epic boy story I have up my sleeve. Yaay!

Only this one is not precious. This was was a burn. A big, nasty burn. Less physically damaging than my pizza tongue, but certainly more emotionally hurt-y. Here 'tis.


The (non-pizza related) Burn:

Once upon a time I decided I wanted to major in film at BYU. In order to do that, you have to apply to the program. The application process is a B. It's really long and really hard.

I was working on my application while I was in a prerequisite class for the major. In my class, there was a boy. I will change the name of this particular boy, just for funsies. We'll call him Josh.

While working on becoming a film major, everyone said that it was a good idea to network, meet people, shmooze. While I was exercising my film major muscles, I decided to meet Josh and add him to my professional network.

Josh was super intimidating. He was applying to be a film major too, only his resume included lots of film work and he was practically Steven Spielberg.

I was all, "Moooooveeeees." and he was all, "Cinematography, low-key lighting, post-modernism!"

We decided to get together so he could help me with my application. We met in the library and talked about my resume for about 20 minutes. Then, for about 2 hours we just chatted. About our lives, about majoring in film, about everything. We laughed and laughed. At the end of the night, I went home thinking he was a pretty swell fella. I'd decided that film boys were alright.

The next time we had class, we were sitting together. We started walking home together after class. Then I started hanging out at his apartment after class. We started to become pretty good friends. We could talk for hours and hours. I had never before had a connection that strong with a boy. My perception changed from thinking film boys were great to thinking that Josh was great. Being with him felt so natural. So easy.

I started to fall hard.

There came a point in the class when we were split up into groups. Josh and I were put into the same group. As we would have group meetings and work on the project, we would talk and laugh and talk and laugh. I couldn't believe how effortless it was.

A couple of times I asked him to hang out in an environment that was not related to our project or our class. He was always busy.

But nonetheless, our friendship had blossomed. We were close. We could talk about anything.

In April, the class was coming to an end and with the end of the semester came the summertime. I was going home to Florida and he was going on his mission. It was a big, fatty ending. Josh decided that he wanted to take me to lunch to say a proper good-bye.

We went out to lunch and had a grand time. I gave him a going-away gift. At the end of our lunch date, he said he wanted a hug. I pulled him in for a brief side-hug and called it good. He said he wanted a real hug. I set down the items in my hands and we embraced. It didn't feel like a friend-hug.

Then -- I went home. He went home. I received an email from the film department -- accepted!!! I could hardly stand it. He was accepted too (duh). The universe was a happy place.

haha.

Then.

I was talking to our mutual friend on the phone one night. We'll call him Paul. Paul was also in our prereq class. He and Josh had been friends a long time. Paul liked to bug me about my feelings for Josh, but it was mostly friendly.

This particular night, though. Paul let something slip. Something I wasn't supposed to know.

In all of the time I had spent with Josh, in all of the hours we had spent chatting and laughing, walking home, working on our project, etc, he had not once mentioned his girlfriend.

His serious girlfriend.

The girl he had begun dating before he even met me.

Anyway.... Paul mentions this to me one night. I felt like a TOTAL retard. I wanted to dig a hole and climb in as far as I could go. The universe was not a happy place. Josh was happily dating a super great girl. A super great girl who was probably laughing at me the whole time I was in love with her boyfriend.

A few weeks later, I get a phone call from Josh. He's about to go on his mission and he won't have contact for a while (two years). He wants to say good-bye and wish me well.

I wish I could say that I held my head high and sassed him like he deserved -- some kind of well-rehearsed speech. Truth be told, though, I stuttered like a maniac. I could barely get the words out. Despite my sudden speech impediment, I did tell Josh that I heard about his girlfriend. I told Josh that he probably should have mentioned her to me. Josh stumbled through an apology. I told Josh to have a nice mission.

Time passed. He was off to serve the Lord. I was now a film major. I was enjoying it like nothing I'd ever enjoyed before. I was learning and growing and getting involved in everything. It was amazing.

Josh was an excellent missionary. We wrote letters periodically, just as friends. He would send me pictures of his various goings-on and I would tell him about the progress I was making as a film major. It was his turn to be impressed with my resume.

Two years later, he came home.

I was working on a movie. He was working on that same movie. We ran into each other on set. It was strange, but fine. Unfortunately, however, talking to him hadn't become more difficult. We could still chat and joke like the ironic friendship we had before his mission. I made a point of telling him that I had a boyfriend, though. haha, I made sure he knew that.

Production ended on the movie we were working on. It was back to work for me and back to classes for him -- he was just getting started, after all.

We talked online occasionally and I made sure to have a few more awkward conversations before I felt settled about the whole thing. I asked him if he was still dating that girl -- yes. I asked him if we could just forget all the messy crap that had happened and just be friends -- yes. I asked him the ever eloquent question of "are we ok?" -- yes. I hope he burned that stupid gift I gave him when he was about to go on his mission.

Anyway... he's married now. To the girl. The girl who waited. The girl he loves. I think I got a wedding announcement. I put it on the fridge. Then I threw it away -- along with all of his letters.

I was upset for a while about this, but I'm not anymore. I'm genuinely glad that he's happy. I've learned a lot from that experience and I'm glad that I had it. To Josh I may just be that dweeby girl that had a major crush; just a minor speedbump on the road to his happy eternal marriage.

To me, Josh is a reminder that I am worth more than that.